Cheetahmen 2 - A Review by Fox Kitsune
Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006What can I say about Cheetahmen 2? Well, first of all, let’s start out by answering the question you all must have right now. What is Cheetahmen II? More importantly, why did i use roman numerals the second time that I wrote that. We’ll explore those questions and more in the following chapters.
Cheetahmen II was a game made by some crappy game company who was trying to make a ninja turtles clone. They had drawings for action figures that they were going to release. One of them was “White Rhino”. I can’t think of any other television show that came out at the same time as this that has any enemy that was a mutated rhino. Can you? If you can, write that in your work book now. If you don’t have a work book, then you fail.
Where can you get your Cheetahmen action figures? is the question you’ll probably ask me next. Well, you might be surprised to learn that Cheetahmen II was not the overnight success that the company had planned it to be. Why not? Well… let’s explore a few theories I have on why it could have possibly failed as a game and a phenomenon that would rival ninja turtles.
I. Art Direction.
I realize some title screens do not have flashy graphics, and let’s face it, we live in a world where apple computers taught us that “less is more”… However, there is a time and place for “less is more” and i think the Cheetahmen II title screen definitely needed … more…
II. Story
The first Cheetahmen game spoke of a mysterious “Game Master” who was pulled into a video game one day. I vaguely remember a very popular saturday morning cartoon in the late 80’s that had a very similar if not the same exact premise to it. It was called Captain N Game Master, Active Enterprises! What else are you guys going to steal? ! My wallet!? Well, the joke’s on you because i don’t have a wallet. I carry my money in my hand and show it to everyone who is walking by. I have a lot of money. You don’t cause you made a game that sucks and went belly up. I don’t really have a lot of money. Cats. Oh yeah, the story. The story of this game sucks. And get a load of Dr. Morbis.
Dr. Morbis definitely looks like a man whose plans have been ruined more than once by the cheetahmen. That ominous silhouette in the background looks like it will be their undoing! dun dun dunnn!
This is how the meeting went:
Game Designer 1: What should we name them?
Game Designer 2: Ooh! Let’s name them after Renaissance Painters!
Game Designer 1: Idiot. That’s already been done! We want to be ORIGINAL!
Game Designer 2: Oh. How about mythological beings?
Game Designer 1: That is the most original thing I’ve ever heard ever.
That is so awesome that he is breaking through that wall! I want to stress that I did not see that wall anywhere in this game.
Evil mutants? Where do they come up with this stuff?! They get an O for Originality!
You must help the cheetahmen or the cheetahmen will surely meet the end of their cheetahmen days.. The cheetahmen need you to save the cheetahmen. Where did I put my cheetahmen. Cheetahmen.
Okay, what was I doing? Oh yeah, reviewing a game. Let’s see…
III. Gameplay
I don’t want to deter anyone from playing this masterpiece. Go forth into the world and find this piece of art and play your heart out. You might, however, encounter some problems. This is another reason I suspect that Active Enterprises isn’t around anymore. Um… where to begin.
This is the beginning of the first level. If you face left, fire and then jump a few times, your cheetahman disappears. All you can see is his arrow, firing from nowhere. As soon as you move, you find you are imbedded in the rock below and have to jump to get out.
All I wanted for christmas was some collision detection. What I got was this.
See above. Oh, and see that dinosaur guy-man? Yeah, he’s supposed to be a snake. Every time I’ve ever played the game he was a snake. He’s not a snake in this picture. We don’t know why.
This is an area in the second level. There are so many enemies that it’s very difficult to get through, however, if you make the two snakes from the level follow you, the game doesn’t make any other enemies spawn. Awesome!
This is the first boss. Can you tell what’s wrong with this picture? That’s right! The Cheetahman is simultaneously on the left and the right side of the screen. This is not an optical illustion but can be described by the Gamewasprogrammedinonedaybypeoplewhodontcare effect, discovered in 1992, oddly enough, the same year Cheetahman II was produced. Oh, yeah, and did I mention that this boss will just run through you over and over again if you stay like this and not hurt you. That’s a theorem associated with the law mentioned above. Write that down. It’s on the test.
When you pass two levels, you get a different cheetahman. This is level 3, so you get Hercules. Hercules can fly. He’s not supposed to be able to. Here’s me flying over most of level 3 ^_^
This is the boss of Level 4 (which is for some reason labeled level 3 when you get to it) … Here’s me flying over him. You’re not supposed to be able to. This battle ends one of two ways. Either you punch him from behind or from the front and he dies, or he makes his way off screen and just doesn’t come back. Either way, it’s impossible to get to the next level. But I found a way! MWAH HAH AH HAHHAAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAH oh yes i did. You actually have to get a patch and some guy sent it to me. I want to evil laugh like guardone again. MWAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAH!
This is your final cheetahmen in one of the stages you’re not meant to get to, but thanks to this patch, it’s like I’m really there. They really stepped it up a notch, look at those graphics! Oh, and look! I’m flying over the whole level again with the greatest of ease! WHOOOH! Pants are awesome!
Look at that guy’s mullet! Have you ever seen a mullet like that in all of it’s glory. I don’t know what it is about him, but i’m not afraid of him. He died in like 2 punches. I’m pretty sure you can’t die at all in these patched levels. It’s a shame too. At one point I was being attacked by flying tomahawks. You’d think those would do some damage!
Well, That’s about it! I hope you all have enjoyed this look at one of the greatest games EVER made. Go out and play it immediately! If not, Rocksteady is gonna come get you… oh… I mean White Rhino is going to come get you!
Oh, and all this stuff is copyright of Active Enterprises. I wouldn’t dream of claiming that any of this gold is mine! You go, Active Enterprises! Heroes in a Halfshell! Cheetahpower!