Not exactly the sort of post that you’d expect, coming from someone like me, is it?

No, those of you who know me know that I am sitting here thinking to myself “Am I going to hell for even WRITING something like “losing my religion” as the title to this blog post.

I have to get this out though, because what happened hurt me terribly, and … maybe if it’s out in the open, the wounds will heal better.

I am religious. I pray every night. I follow the straight and narrow path in life. I do not drink, I do not smoke. I am 30 years old and unmarried, and therefore have not have premarital sex. Until about five years ago, I went to Church nearly every week.

Until five years ago? What happened?

Well. Seven years ago my mother was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor that was affecting the portion of her brain that deals with short term memory. The doctors removed the tumor and told us that she would be fine. They lied. A year and a half later it came back, but we didn’t know this right away. She started doing things like sleeping all day, overeating, forgetting things, leaving the stove on and forgetting she had cigarettes burning in various places. It was a scary time in my life, but I can imagine you saying “well, what does any of this have to do with your religion? With your church?

Unfortunately, what I wrote in the above paragraph has EVERYTHING to do with my religion and my church.

Let me explain.

As I mentioned above, my mother would sleep through whole days. Therefore, my mother wouldn’t get out of bed on Sunday morning. So, I stopped going to church. A lot of really scary things were happening in my life that I didn’t quite know how to handle. I never lost my faith, and prayed for a quick end to all of this. At times, I felt that God had indeed forsaken me and my family, and that He was punishing me for everything that I had done wrong in my life.

This was a very painful period in my life, that really should have it’s own blog entry, however, it’s something that is in the past, and really shouldn’t be dug up, considering how happy i am now.

Five years ago we also got a new pastor at our church. He was young, and according to everyone “just what our church needed” … yeah, back then I guess I would have bought that.

The problem: This man saw the Sara who never goes to church. This man failed to see, however, the Sara who was so overwhelmed with trying to help my father and filling a role that my mom had filled that she couldn’t handle it.

And then I got sick with the rib situation, further sealing my fate. At least, further sealing my fate in the eyes of the church.

So why am I ranting about this then?

I am in counseling sessions with my pastor. I had to fill out a survey, and one of the questions was about religion. I put on the survey that I was “very religious”, because I am, and I stand by that.

He looked at the survey for a while before saying “So, you say you’re religious?” to which i replied “Yes, very.” …

“Let me ask you this, then…” he started. “why aren’t you in Church?”

I could feel the tears of anger and hurt welling up inside of me. I couldn’t hold it in anymore, and I snapped. This man, a man who had only seen 5 years of my church going life, a man who knows nothing about WHY I don’t go to church, and a man who turned me away when I asked for his help and advice on a problem I was having… He was going to judge me?!

I confronted him, and I felt the tears falling down my face, but I didn’t care.

He told me that it was fine if I practiced my religion at home, but that makes me the lone, sickly sheep that strays from the pack. He said I’d be more prone to attack from lions (i.e. satan). He asked me if I had a sin that I was struggling with. He said the church family would help me.

Now, I raise this question. Why would I want help from a “family” who looks at me with such judgmental eyes? Why would I want help from a family who makes me weak, rather than strong? And why would I want help from a family whose members say “Oh, you showed up today, good job?” to me?

And why would I want help from a family whose father (and I don’t mean God, I mean the pastor) takes a fellow “family” member at face value, rather than taking the time to get to know this person and see what’s inside.

And as far as my sin goes, I do have sin. I don’t go to Church because I don’t agree with what my pastor says, how i am treated, and how I was cast aside when I went to him for help on two very serious situations. If he truly wanted me to be a part of his church “family”, I would not have been cast aside.

I went to him on two separate occasions. The first time I went to him with a concern about our sunday school. The main teacher wasn’t prepared, and my friend Cindy and I were left with no lesson plan and no idea of what to do. It got to the point where I had to do something about it. I asked Cindy if she’d back me up and she said “yes”. The woman in question was the church’s board of education’s daughter.  I had to go in front of the board of education to plead my case. The pastor took the woman’s side, and Cindy failed to say anything to my, or her defense. I was alone, and my “family” didn’t come to rescue me.

The second time, I did something wrong. I have terrible stage fright and dropped out of a friend’s wedding because I, in no uncertain terms, freaked out.

I contacted my pastor to speak with him because I was having a huge moral crisis because of it, and he turned me away. He said he was too busy and I’d have to wait until he had time for me. I ended up going to see him eventually and I felt, upon leaving the meeting, that I was a spawn of Satan. Instead of making me feel better for making a mistake, he made me feel like I was the worst person on the face of the planet. Aren’t we taught that God is benevolent, and that he and Jesus will truly forgive us if we are truly sorry? If so, then why was I judged so harshly by this man?

Anyway, After this train wreck of a counseling session, I needed the sort of support that my church “family” is supposed to help me with. Since they were the problem, I decided I’d go to my real “family”, i.e. my friends. My father, Larry, Mike, Gill, Jamie, and Pat happened to be around that day, and I decided to speak with them about it. It was incredible what happened. We talked for an hour about religion and faith, they were very supportive and caring of me and not judgemental, and the scar that was left from the counseling session began to heal because of their kind words. Instead of feeling like Satan’s spawn, I felt like a person who was imperfect, but that was okay. This is how “families” are supposed to be, isn’t it?

In conclusion, I don’t think I can continue being a member of a church that doesn’t have time for me. I don’t think I can continue to be a member of a church that cares more about growth than it’s individual members and their problems. My pastor said that the church went through a bad period in the 80’s and 90’s under “bad leadership” … but to tell you the truth, THAT is the church that I always look to with fond memories. That is the church that felt like home. THAT is the church that I wish my church could become once again.

I will never lose my religion, I will never lose my faith. If anything, this experience has made my faith 100 times stronger. I will say this, however:

I know when I’m not wanted.

I want to start this post out by saying this:

I am not fat. I weight 125 lbs., I exercise regularly and I eat virtually nothing.

Why then, do I have such a poor body image? Why do I, and many other women, constantly say “I’m fat” when they look like a toothpick. And, most importantly, why then, did I have a 10 year long eating disorder that involved me not eating anything all day and then eating a huge meal at night, thus screwing up my metabolism something fierce?

I think I finally have the answer to those questions.

I got a Macy’s gift card for Christmas from my employer. I decided that I needed to get some shorts for work, so I went to Macy’s. I usually hate clothes shopping, but I found jean shorts that were really awesome. I grabbed a size 9/10 and went to the dressing room to try it on.

Now, this is where the Shenanigans come in. After I started eating normally again (about two years ago) I gained a little weight and went up from a size 7 to a size 9. That was a crushing blow to me, making me feel like I was really really fat, but I dealt with it.

I have been the same weight now for two years. I put these pants on, expecting them to fit.

I don’t know where women’s clothes are made now a days, but I’m beginning to suspect that they have a factory in Hobbiton.

They didn’t have a size up, so  I tried on the 13/14 ones. To my shock and horror, these were a bit loose, but they fit me.

I was really upset, considering the pants that I was currently wearing were a 9/10 and they were falling down they were so big on me.

All that being said, WHAT THE HELL? Why are women’s pants/shirts/etc so stupidly sized? Is it to promote the poor body image that plagues women in america so companies can sell more “beautifying” products?

I’m beginning to think it is.

In men’s clothing, if you are a 36 waist, you will be that at every store.

Meanwhile, at Pacific Sunwear I’m a 9, at Old Navy I’m a 7. At macy’s apparently I’m into the plus sizes!

Shirts are pretty much the same, too. I take a small at JC Penneys, a medium at Delia’s and an EXTRA LARGE at hot topic!

This raises several questions at this point. First of all, why does it continue this way? I know women besides me get upset about this. I’m sure it causes eating disorders, I’m sure it causes low self esteem, and I’m sure it’s done for some sick and twisted marketing reason. This is something that I believe needs to change in the nearby future though, because it seems to me that in the past 10 years or so, it’s gotten a LOT worse than it used to be. I definitely don’t remember having THIS much trouble when I was younger.

And another question: If I feel this way, and I’m not even fat… what does anyone who’s heavier than me do? Can these people not shop at normal stores in the mall? Do they have to go into the plus sizes, even if they aren’t heavy? That’s disturbing to me, if that is the case.

The worst part is, after this clothing debacle, all I can think is “I have to lose weight, I have to lose weight. I can’t be this large”. That’s a problem. An even bigger problem is that I almost skipped dinner last night because of these thoughts that were running through my brain.

At about 7 or 8′oclock when the dizziness began to set in, I realized how stupid it was to let some preset image set by the clothing industry deter me from making the HEALTHY choice.

So, in conclusion, the clothing industry can go to hell. It’s awful what they do, and I really really feel that something needs to be done soon.  If it keeps getting worse, clothing companies might as well just cut to the chase and change their ad campaign to “kill yourself fatty, you’re worthless!” or “Jeans won’t fit? Try Anorexia!”

it’s funny, because you would think they would want as many people to be able to purchase their clothes as possible, seeing how we’re in a depression and all… but instead, they make it an exclusive club.

You must be this skinny to ride this ride.